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peace, love, happiness & understanding 9/16/21
THE OPEN ROAD
peace, love, happiness & understanding
Yet Another So-called Humor Issue
September 16, 2021
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To give the poor dog a bone:
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so the poor dog had none.
She went to the baker’s
To buy him some bread;
When she came back
The dog was dead!
She went to the undertaker’s
To buy him a coffin;
When she came back
The dog was laughing.
She took a clean dish
to get him some tripe;
When she came back
He was smoking his pipe.
She went to the alehouse
To get him some beer;
When she came back
The dog sat in a chair.
She went to the tavern
For white wine and red;
When she came back
The dog stood on his head.
She went to the fruiterer’s
To buy him some fruit;
When she came back
He was playing the flute.
She went to the tailor’s
To buy him a coat;
When she came back
He was riding a goat.
She went to the hatter’s
To buy him a hat;
When she came back
He was feeding her cat.
She went to the barber’s
To buy him a wig
When she came back
He was dancing a jig.
She went to the cobbler’s
To buy him some shoes;
When she came back
He was reading the news.
She went to the sempstress
To buy him some linen;
When she came back
The dog was spinning.
She went to the hosier’s
To buy him some hose;
When she came back
He was dressed in his clothes.
The Dame made a curtsy,
The dog made a bow;
The Dame said, Your servant;
The dog said, Bow-wow.
This wonderful dog
Was Dame Hubbard’s delight,
He could read, he could dance,
He could sing, he could write;
She gave him rich dainties
Whenever he fed,
And erected a monument
When he was dead.
*
Jeffrey Sher sent us this joke:
Q: What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
A: Too many attachments!
*
Will Hornyak sent this one:
Mahatma Gandhi traveled through India barefoot as a young man, meditating, praying, fasting and meeting his countrymen. His thickly calloused feet carried him from village to village where he begged for food, often eating rotten scraps. “My health suffered, I became weak, my breath was foul.”
Gandhi carried with him only one book throughout his travels: Mary Poppins. “I was inspired by the word “Super-calla-fragalistic-expialadoscious” since I was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic with a case of Halitosis.”
*
A penguin walked into a bar and said, “Has my father been in here today?”
The bartender said, “ I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” he asked. “No,” was the reply. So he reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog bites him. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” he said. “That’s not my dog.”
When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.
What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits a windshield?
His butt.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don’t know. I left at intermission.
How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
We believe that incandescent, fluorescent, tinted, or three-way are equally valid paths to light, and if, in your journey, you have felt the need to change your lightbulb, we are holding a lightbulb service on Sunday at which you’re welcome to recite a poem or perform a dance about luminescence.
“Hello! Is this the fire department?”
“Yes.”
“Listen, my house is on fire! You’ve got to come right away! It’s terrible!”
“Okay, how do we get to your house?”
“You don’t have those big red trucks anymore?”
I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?”
I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”
*
Well, that’s about it for now. Just remember why birds fly south for the winter…
It’s too far to walk.
May all people be happy!