THE OPEN ROAD

peace, love, happiness & understanding

 

 

Yet Another So-called Humor Issue

 

September 16, 2021

 

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard,

To give the poor dog a bone:

When she came there,

The cupboard was bare,

And so the poor dog had none.

 

She went to the baker’s

To buy him some bread;

When she came back

The dog was dead!

 

She went to the undertaker’s

To buy him a coffin;

When she came back

The dog was laughing.

 

She took a clean dish

to get him some tripe;

When she came back

He was smoking his pipe.

 

She went to the alehouse

To get him some beer;

When she came back

The dog sat in a chair.

 

She went to the tavern

For white wine and red;

When she came back

The dog stood on his head.

 

She went to the fruiterer’s

To buy him some fruit;

When she came back

He was playing the flute.

 

She went to the tailor’s

To buy him a coat;

When she came back

He was riding a goat.

 

She went to the hatter’s

To buy him a hat;

When she came back

He was feeding her cat.

 

She went to the barber’s

To buy him a wig

When she came back

He was dancing a jig.

 

She went to the cobbler’s

To buy him some shoes;

When she came back

He was reading the news.

 

She went to the sempstress

To buy him some linen;

When she came back

The dog was spinning.

 

She went to the hosier’s

To buy him some hose;

When she came back

He was dressed in his clothes.

 

The Dame made a curtsy,

The dog made a bow;

The Dame said, Your servant;

The dog said, Bow-wow.

 

This wonderful dog

Was Dame Hubbard’s delight,

He could read, he could dance,

He could sing, he could write;

She gave him rich dainties

Whenever he fed,

And erected a monument

When he was dead.

*

 

Jeffrey Sher sent us this joke:

 

Q: What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?

A: Too many attachments!

*

 

Will Hornyak sent this one:

 

Mahatma Gandhi traveled through India barefoot as a young man, meditating, praying, fasting and meeting his countrymen.  His thickly calloused feet carried him from village to village where he begged for food, often eating rotten scraps.  “My health suffered, I became weak, my breath was foul.”

 

Gandhi carried with him only one book throughout his travels: Mary Poppins.  “I was inspired by the word “Super-calla-fragalistic-expialadoscious” since I was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic with a case of Halitosis.”

*

 

B. Kliban

 

Two Parables

 

A man approaches a palace. It’s only entrance is guarded by some fierce Huns who will only let men named Julius enter. The man tries to bribe the guards by offering them a year’s supply of choice chicken parts. They neither scorn his offer nor accept it, but merely take his nose and twist it till it looks like a Molly screw. The man says it is imperative that he enter the palace because he is bringing the emperor a change of underwear. When the guards still refuse, the man begins to Charleston. They seem to enjoy his dancing but soon become morose over the treatment of the Navajos by the federal government. Out of breath, the man collapses. He dies, never having seen the emperor and owing the Steinway people sixty dollars on a piano he had rented from them in August.

 

 *  *  *

 

I am given a message to deliver to a general. I ride and ride, but the general’s headquarters seem to get farther and farther away. Finally, a giant black panther leaps upon me and devours my mind and heart. This puts a terrific crimp in my evening. No matter how hard I try, I cannot catch the general, whom I see running in the distance in his shorts and whispering the word “nutmeg” to his enemies.

 

Aphorism

 

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind—a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.

 

—from “My Philosophy” by Woody Allen

*

 

I don’t get no respect. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

 

I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

 

—Rodney Dangerfield

*

 

Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.

 

—Steve Martin

*

 

It’s reassuring to see that colleges are putting the emphasis on education again. One school has gotten so strict they won’t give football player his letter, unless he can tell which one it is.

 

My mother was eighty-eight years old. She never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle!

 

—Henny Youngman

*

 

My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting doing nothing.

 

—Max Kauffman

*

 

James Thurber

 

 

A penguin walked into a bar and said, “Has my father been in here today?”

The bartender said, “ I don’t know. What does he look like?”

 

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” he asked. “No,” was the reply. So he reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog bites him. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” he said. “That’s not my dog.”

 

When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.

 

What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits a windshield?

His butt.

 

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

 

How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know. I left at intermission.

 

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

We believe that incandescent, fluorescent, tinted, or three-way are equally valid paths to light, and if, in your journey, you have felt the need to change your lightbulb, we are holding a lightbulb service on Sunday at which you’re welcome to recite a poem or perform a dance about luminescence.

 

“Hello! Is this the fire department?”

“Yes.”

“Listen, my house is on fire! You’ve got to come right away! It’s terrible!”

“Okay, how do we get to your house?”

“You don’t have those big red trucks anymore?”

 

I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?”

I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”

*

 

Some “Deep Thoughts” from Jack Handey:

 

I hope that after I die, people will say of me:

“That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

 

It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

 

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

 

—Jack Handey

*

Well, that’s about it for now. Just remember why birds fly south for the winter…

It’s too far to walk. 

 

May all people be happy!