THE OPEN ROAD

peace, love & happiness newsletter

March 26, 2020

The Humor Issue

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?

Close the door, I’m dressing.

And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”

The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today?

I don’t know and I don’t really care.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now!

—stolen from the Internet by Johnny

Clams never give any money to charity…

they’re shellfish.

Moth goes to a podiatrist. He tells the podiatrist, “I got depressed after I lost my job. Started drinkin’. My wife left me. My kids hate me. My life feels empty and meaningless…”

The podiatrist interrupted him. “I think maybe you want to see a psychiatrist. Why did you come to me?”

“The light was on.”

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in. One not to screw it in.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Blue giraffe in a red bathtub.

A favorite from my childhood…

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.

And perhaps the greatest joke of all time…

Guess what?

Chicken butt.

—Johnny Stallings

Three sisters were growing old together, and one evening the oldest was just stepping into the bath when when she called out, “Was I just stepping into the bath, or stepping out of the bath?” The middle sister started up the stairs to help, but paused halfway and said aloud, “Was I going up the stairs, or down the stairs?” The youngest sister, in the kitchen below, said to herself, “I hope I never get so forgetful–knock on wood…Someone’s at the door–I’ll get it!”

—Kim Stafford

*

A priest, a Rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. 

“What is this,” says the bartender, “some kind of joke?”

So…a guy goes to his doctor. After the exam the doc says, “Well, I’d like to send you to a specialist, I think your hearing may be going.” 

“No,” the guy says, “my hearing is fine, but you know, Doc, now that you mention it, I think my wife may be having trouble with her hearing, but she won’t have it checked. What should I do?”

“Well,” says the Doc, “why don’t you figure out a way to test her hearing at home?”

So the guy goes home that night. He opens the front door and he can see, through the living room, his wife at the kitchen sink with her back toward him.

“Honey,” he calls out, “What’s for dinner?”

No answer.

So he walks into the living room, and calls again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No answer.

So he walks into the kitchen, puts his hands on her shoulders and asks into her ear, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She turns her face up to his and says, “For the third time, chicken.”

—Ken Margolis

*

Q:   Why couldn’t the teddy bear have any dessert?

A:   Because he was already stuffed !                 

love & giggles,      

—“Grandpa Bill” Faricy

*

Why didn’t the invisible man take the job? 

Because he just couldn’t see himself doing it.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?  

Because he was sick and tired of always having his motivations questioned.

Why did the chicken the road?  

Because his father was a brutal alcoholic.  

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left home?  

Bison

What’s black and white and green…black and white and green….black and white and green?

 Two zebras fighting over a pickle. 

—Will Hornyak

*

Thanks to Deborah Buchanan for recommending Charlie Chaplin. Here’s a link to The Rink: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eelQxCpLa4

My dad once said to me: “John, if anyone says you’re a wit, they’d be half right.”

So much for now.

May all people be happy!

–Johnny