Cartoon by Gary Larson

THE OPEN ROAD

peace, love, happiness & understanding

Oh no! Not another Humor Issue!

July 30, 2020

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says: “I’m lookin for the man who shot my paw.”

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian?

Aye matey.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?

Because it was cultured.

How do you throw a space party?

You planet.

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a large live animal in an enclosed space.

*

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied: “Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

*

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The businessman then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The businessman scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”

To which the businessman replied, “Fifteen or 20 years.”

“But what then?”

The businessman laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”

“Millions? Then what?”

The businessman said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”

*

A guy said to God, “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”

God said, “Yes.”

The guy said, “God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?”

God said, “Yes.”

The guy said, “God, can I have a penny?”

God said, “Sure, just a second.”

*

A string bean took his friend, an eggplant, to the hospital.

String Bean: How is he, Doc? Can you save his life?

Doctor: I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can save his life. The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable the rest of his life.

*

Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way.

The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, “Morning, boys! How’s the water?”

The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, “What’s water?”

—“Borrowed” from the Internet and joke books by Johnny Stallings

*

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. 

She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘I’ll be darned! A talking chicken!’”

—Will Weigler

*

For an extra bit of fun you might try this video of people singing and dancing on top of a train in India. (I’ve ridden in this train, but not on it.):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQmrmVs10X8

May all people be happy!

Johnny